I hate this question.

Honestly, I don’t know the answer. I tend to not make long term plans as I’ve learned that there are too many moving variables. Life can change in an instant so why focus on 5 years down the road when you can plan for today. Live for today.

This one is easy.

This year is going to be hellish. I’m not comfortable with change and it’s only been a year since the biggest change of my life, but I would tell myself to buckle up as there are more changes coming. These changes are not just for me and the kids, either, but for everyone. Globally.

No one could have predicted a Global Pandemic; you know the type of shit you see in the movies except without Matt Damon or Will Smith coming to the rescue. We will all have to wear masks in public. Playgrounds and schools will be closed. Streets will be empty, and I won’t see family or friends often. We will all live in bubbles. Literally. The government will dictate who we can and cannot see. I will tell myself that I will eat, sleep, live, work and play at home. Every day, I will be glued to the TV, waiting to hear the daily number of confirmed COVID 19 cases in the city, country and around the world. I will worry with every sniffle, cough and fart. I will wonder what is happening and more importantly, I’ll worry constantly whether we will all be ok.

I would tell my 2019 self that yes, we will all be ok. I would recommend more sleep and less overthinking. Take it a day at a time and don’t live in fear. There’s no need to wipe down groceries after I bring them home. I will not run out of toilet paper. Oh, and take advantage of curbside pickup, it’s super convenient (even in 2024)! I’d tell myself to smile at strangers. It’s a kind way to remind people that we are all in this together, despite how alone and scared we feel. There is something powerful in hearing a stranger tell you to ‘stay safe’. Pay it forward.

Slowly, as the year goes by, things will improve. l would tell myself that we move out of the basement apartment that suffocated me and my children and into a house we will call home, with a backyard and nice neighbors. This will help my children settle tremendously. I’d be excited to share the news that l meet a new man, and he will help me heal and restore my faith in many things, including love.

Oh, and I’d tell myself that the new size 4 figure that I have come to love won’t be sticking around. It turns out the 25 pounds lost from stress and tears will reappear this year into next. Others like to call it the Covid- 20, I called it regaining my appetite. Long story short, go shopping.

The words Covid-19 become somewhat less scary as time passes. You adjust to the new norm. Life carries on.

Girllllllllllll, get help!! (Ouch!) While I am busy in 2014 trying to convince myself that crying in the dark bathroom every morning is normal, it’s not. I have a 3-year-old and a 6-month-old, and am living in a fog, sleep deprived and irritable. And I’m not a single parent (yet) so I shouldn’t be doing this all on my own. It’s not all on you, Sonya. Why are you allowing it? You’re getting burnt out.

I would tell myself that I have Post-Partem depression and anxiety. It took a year for me to realize this. Sadly, it takes a few more years before I find the courage to ask for help. It’s presenting itself as a mood disorder, as well. It does that, the sneaky bastard. One day, I’ll cry over spilled milk, the next I’ll sing about it and clean it up without flinching. The kids don’t know what to think, or what Mom they’ll get on any given day. I would spell it out for myself, something is wrong. Please, get help today! Stop holding out hope that things will get better on their own. They won’t. As they say, nothing changes if nothing changes. And nothing was changing.

As a result of the post-partem fog I was living in for most of 2014, I have no idea how old my youngest son was when he first crawled, walked or said his first word. I would tell myself to let it go, it doesn’t matter! Who gives a shit! All that matters is he hit, hell he surpassed, all milestones. He’s smart, funny, fast and amazing.

I would advise myself that like my figure, the sleep deprivation goes away. However, that doesn’t happen until the next year. I’d tell myself that 2015 has a few perks, including me starting a job (outside the home). It was clear to see that being a stay-at-home mom was not for me. In some ways, this new job would save my life. I would tell myself about a new co-worker who becomes a close friend and lifeline through the divorce (oh, 4 year spoiler! We get divorced!). The office becomes a place to laugh, make connections and meet new people. I would tell myself that it feels good to serve a purpose in an environment where I feel like me again. Sonya, not Mommy.

I’d love to know what the 5 years in the future Sonya would say to me right now. Perhaps she would tell me that I’m still too hard on myself. Or that I need to think less, relax more and be proud of the woman I have become and the boys I have raised. I guess I’ll have to just keep taking things as they come, day by day, moment to moment if needed, and figure the next 5 years out for myself.