I married my high school sweetheart. We started dating in senior year (1998) and it was the classic love story where the loud jock dates the quiet girl in class. We stayed together for 20 years. In 2018, when we separated, the thought of dating someone made me sick. Not only could I not see myself with someone else, but I was very inexperienced in the dating world. My ex and I had literally been together over half my life; we grew up together. I had no idea how to even meet single people, let alone start from scratch in getting to know them.  Of course, it being the 21^st century, online dating was how.

Swipe left or right

Here I was, creating an online dating profile of myself using my best selfie, trying to attract attention. It felt so wrong to put myself on display like that, hoping for a swipe in the right direction (literally). I hated the idea that people would be sitting around a room, looking at my profile, everyone weighing in on whether I was worthy of a swipe right or not.  And yet, here I was doing the same thing to the men on the apps.

I will admit, it was flattering when a man would swipe right on my profile, and even more so when I would get a match. Little did I know at the time, I was matching with a lot of the wrong type of men.

I wish I had had some advice on how to navigate the online dating world, so here are some of my tips!

Rules for online dating:

• Meet in person: You can message with someone for days or even weeks and convince yourself that you ‘feel a connection’ but until you meet them in person, you won’t know what type of connection exists. Sadly, people hide behind a computer screen and say things they think you want to read. They also use pictures that are 20 years old on their profile, so when you show up on your first date, you don’t recognize them as they have different color hair, a disheveled beard and are 50 lbs heavier. #true story.  Go on that first date, ASAP. If they keep pushing it off, that’s a red flag.  Run, girl, run.

• Public first date: The first meeting should be in a public place. Perhaps a restaurant or coffee shop, for example. I broke this cardinal rule more than once and looking back I want to shake myself. I put trust in men I didn’t know. Don’t be like me. He may have a really kind face, but girl, trust no one until they earn it.

• Have a safe word:  Mine was pineapple. Whenever I went on a date, I would let someone know where and when I was going. 99% of the time it was my older sister. That way, if she got a text message from me with that one word, she’d know I needed her and she’d know to call first, and if no answer, show up.

• Beware of selfies:  Not all selfies are of a face. Again, I was new to online dating, and I’ll never forget when one man asked me for a picture about 3 messages in. Literally, we were barely past pleasantries and he asked for a pic, which naïve me thought was weird as he obviously saw my profile pic. So I sent a pic of me on a hike (to show I’m active and fun, right?!). Well, no sir. There was miscommunication because that wasn’t the pic he wanted, and I can guarantee you the pic I got back was not what I wanted. (Think Steve Carrell screaming when he got his chest waxed in the movie ‘The 40 year old virgin’). Dear god, NO! My eyes! MY EYES! I literally threw my phone across the room, and it hit the wall. So, please be aware.

• Don’t overshare:  “Hi, my name is Sonya. I’m recently separated, and I have two kids. Here’s what you missed over the last 20 years and what led me to this dating site today.  I’m sorry that I’m crying but I’m still very emotional. My counsellor says I need to let go, but I can’t seem to do that. I’m just going to talk about my ex for the next 30 minutes. Thanks for listening”. Not only will oversharing scare people off, but there’s also no need for people to know about the personal details of your life until they earn a place in it. Tell them your favorite color, sure, but don’t spill your guts when they ask how you are.

• Prepare to be ghosted: Prior to online dating, I had never really heard of ghosting. I associated ghosts with Halloween, or Casper.  I was ghosted by 2 men in my 1.5 years of online dating. It’s a shitty feeling to be ghosted. I didn’t accept it and felt I deserved better. Wanting closure, I reached out each time with a text message, letting him know that he was a coward and could have just told me that he wasn’t interested. In retrospect, what a waste of time and energy that was. I now see that I sent that message for myself, not for them.  The act of ghosting is closure. I should have just moved on. They weren’t worth my time.

My memorable first dates

• The paint drier: Have you ever gone on a first date and listened to someone talk about paint drying? I have. That first date was also the last.

• The wet t-shirt contest:  I am a klutz. Always have been, always will be. So, I was expecting a mishap to happen; it was just a matter of when. I met a man at Starbucks for our first meeting. He bought me a white chocolate to drink.  I was telling a story (probably about my ex) and was talking with my hands when my hand hit my hot chocolate and I spilled the whole thing over my shirt and lap. It was hot and sticky, so I yelped and then started laughing. I laughed harder when I realized I had turned our date into a wet t-shirt contest. I won.

• The guy who doesn’t like pink:  When you meet someone in person for the first time, after having only seen them online, you really work hard at presenting yourself. You would hate to look different from your pics or have them disappointed. I had my hair and makeup perfect for a first date, picked out my favorite soft pink shirt to wear. I felt good! Not 10 minutes into the date, he told me, quite frankly, that he hates pink. How do you respond to that? Thank you?

• The walking jogging pant:  One man showed up on our first date in jogging pants. Sweat pants. Grey joggers and a hoodie. I was speechless.

• The dirty car ride:  I agreed to go for a car ride with one guy for our first date. Again, not a great idea, but alas, I went. His car was ROTTEN DIRTY. I am talking dried up fruit, water bottles, cigarette butts (yuck!), clothes, a car seat (for his daughter I didn’t know existed) and a pile of clothes, and papers. Thinking back, I wonder if he lived in his car. I won’t describe the smell.

• Fine dining restaurant: One man brought me for a casual, fine dining experience to a restaurant I had never been. The food was delicious, and the conversation was great as well. Once we finished eating, I wanted to go to the ladies’ room to freshen up. I wore a beautiful black, form fitting dress. I had somehow managed to get the tablecloth tucked into said dress, so when I stood up, I took the tablecloth with me. Even worse, I didn’t notice so he had to stop me before all the wine glasses, dishes and cutlery fell to the floor.  I can’t make this shit up; I swear.

The end result

I got off the online dating apps in Dec 2019 as the whole process was exhausting. I also had a few situations that made me uncomfortable, so I told myself that I was going to meet someone the old-fashioned way, in person. Perhaps in a grocery store, where we’d lock eyes as we reached for the same watermelon. Love at first sight! Ha!

That didn’t happen.

I did log back in a few months later and happened to see my now boyfriend on there. He was the needle in a haystack. And to be fair, I had met him in person about 20 years ago before I met him online. We had crossed paths when our friends dated. So, I swiped right, struck up a conversation, gave him my number and deleted the app.

The rest is history.