I have been a single mom for 6 years. My kids were 4.5 and 7 years old when I separated from their father. At that time, I remember thinking “I can’t do this alone”. But here I am.

We all know that it takes a village to raise a family. The reason why a mother is without a village is irrelevant, the fact that she mothers without one makes her a superwoman. She works hard at finding a new village; people to call on for help, because she’ll need it.

Raising kiddos, in general, is universally challenging. Raising kiddos alone is somewhat even more taxing- mentally, emotionally and physically.  There is no sense sugar coating it. It involves stress, pressure and guilt. There’s little time to yourself, making the infamous self-care nearly impossible.

The struggles of single motherhood that I highlight in this blog pertain to single parenting full time, not co-parenting (which I know comes with its challenges, as well). I am just writing from experience as the primary parent, no shared custody.  The 24/7 mama bear.

Oh, the stress! How in the world can I be in two places at once? I can’t, of course, but both my sons play sports so there is often an overlap. While I would hate for one child to miss out on something, sometimes it is unavoidable. The good news is, I have learned to ASK FOR HELP. In my married life, I got used to living hours away (by car or plane) from any type of support system. In doing so, I set an unrealistic expectation of myself to be able to handle everything on my own. It’s not possible. So now, when someone in my village offers to help, I graciously say YES.

I have read about how there is a negative connotation associated with being a single mom. Feelings of being considered underprivileged (compared to married moms), as well as someone struggling to keep it all together appear to be common. Personally, I haven’t experienced any overt judgment (at least to my face), but I can tell you one thing, I am not short on pride when it comes to being a single mom. I play dual roles in my household daily and it is HARD AS HELL. Yet, I show up every single day. The truth is, I have good boys (I don’t mean perfect, I mean good humans) and the BIG part I played in that is not something that can be taken away from me. I own that shit. So yes, judge away.  

This struggle will keep you up at night. It’s the one that truly separates the married moms who often ‘feel like single moms’ to the real single mothers. Life is expensive for everyone, but even with a good income, single mothers often worry and may spend less freely than dual income homes. I would suggest single mama’s start a budget and stick to it, the best they can. Oh, and don’t bother trying to keep up with the Jones’, either.  Instead, worry about teaching your kids the value of money and how they can’t always get something simply because they want it. They’ll be better off for it.

As much as I love my boys’ sweet faces, sometimes I don’t want to see them for a few minutes (or hours) at a time. The truth is, I give myself time outs just for privacy. Thankfully, my kids are of the age now where I can run out for an hour or so and leave them home alone. It feels like FREEDOM, I tell you. I run, not walk, to the car.  Prior to this, I literally couldn’t go to the mailbox without them. I had to ask someone to watch them if I wanted to leave my front door. If I did leave the house without them, I would often have to factor in the cost of a babysitter. Is a $20 drop in Zumba class really worth $40-$50 for 60 minutes. Please circle back to struggle #3.

Mom guilt should be illegal. As if moms don’t have enough to do but feel guilty about everything. When my boys are with their father, I promise myself I will enjoy the break and not feel guilty about it. But it’s easier said than done.  I feel guilty for having fun without them or watching a movie they wanted to see. And then, of course, there are times when I don’t feel guilty (about enjoying my ME time) and then I feel guilty for not feeling guilty? It’s tiring being in our heads.

This sucks, pure and simple. Missing holidays is hard (except for Halloween, Meh). It’s only been the past 3 years where my ex-husband and I started alternating Christmases.  It feels so different to be kid- free during Christmas. There’s no magic, to me anyways. As relaxing and socially freeing as it can feel around the holidays, it hurts my heart. Especially when you see pics of smiling happy kids on social media. You can celebrate on another day of course, but it doesn’t feel the same.

People will tell you you’re ‘lucky’ to get a break from your kids. But not all single mom’s feel lucky when their child is with the other parent. It’s stressful giving up control, and sometimes contact.  You never know a single mom’s situation. While yes, it’s good time to have time to re-charge and to not have to take care of anyone but yourself, but it isn’t without its stress when your children aren’t physically with you.

Being a single mom is a never-ending game of Tag. And you’re always it! I have to keep up on the housework, homework, appointments, sports, work full time, make important decisions, discipline and provide guidance and provide emotional support etc. Oh and try to have a social life (hahaha), incorporate self care and exercise! I also have a boyfriend, so I want to make that relationship a priority as well. Did I mention there is no time to get sick? And when the kids get sick, I have to stay home with them (thank goodness for hybrid work arrangements). It’s a fun game, tag.

Being a single mom can make you feel very isolated and lonely, which takes a toll on your mental well-being. At the end of the day, it’s nice to kick your feet up and talk about how good, or bad, the day was with someone who lived the day along with you. When you don’t have that, it’s tough. Sometimes that connection, as a parent, makes you feel less overwhelmed. However, make your own connections outside of a partner! Reach out to other single mom’s through online single mom groups on Facebook, for example. It’s a place to vent or share exciting news! I promise, you’ll be supported. I personally attended a divorce/separation support group when my separation was fresh. Being around people who can relate to your struggles makes you feel, well, less alone.

Single moms are independent. We have no choice but to be! However, when it comes to some responsibilities, I don’t care to participate (but have no choice). For example, shoveling. I live in Canada, so we get snow pretty much 6 months of the year. Shoveling will be the bane of my existence. When a neighbor comes to help with a snowblower, I cry. Literally. I also buy gift cards as both a thank you and positive reinforcement. The same applies to car maintenance, or toilets. I don’t want anything to do with dealing with this stuff. But I have to be an adult, and I have to pull up my big girl (non-granny) panties and deal with it like the single mama bear that I am. AKA I call my boyfriend, my dad, or my brother (parts of my village). I delegate the tasks like a mother F-ing boss.

Who wants the world to know their personal business? NO ONE (says the blogger who is sharing intimate details of her life with strangers). I had been with my ex-husband for 20 years. More than half my life (at the time of separation). When we separated, and then divorced, removing my wedding ring felt like I was announcing to the world that I was now alone. My marriage had ‘failed’ (more on that thought later). It was a huge adjustment, and I was nervous, maybe even embarrassed. In my mind, it was a ‘single mom’ sign on my back. Then I had to decide if I wanted to keep my married surname or return to my maiden name.

You’ll never know the weight of this decision unless you have to make it. I didn’t want to have a different last name than my kids. I was afraid that they wouldn’t want that either. When entertaining the idea (after my divorce), my youngest son (8 at the time) asked if changing my name would mean I would no longer be his mom. *insert knife directly into my chest*.  Long story short (sort of), I did end up reverting to my maiden name because after all that had happened, that is who I felt I was. I felt it would help me move on, instead of holding on. I still don’t love having a different last name than my kids, but I don’t regret the decision.

For many reasons, I struggle with this movie. Mostly as a divorcee moreso than as a single mom. Watch it, you’ll understand. Bring tissues.

As single mom’s, our love life takes a back seat to our kids. We are also a package deal, so if someone wants to be with me, they must love my children too. But when you feel ready to date, it’s not an easy feat. There are so many implications and so many things to consider. So much so, I will have to write a separate post on it. I have so many dating stories to tell. Stay tuned.

There may be struggles with being a single parent, but there are also rewards. Many of them.  I don’t miss a thing! In fact, I have a front row seat to every moment of my son’s lives. I don’t miss a concert, a ball game, a parent teacher interview, birthday party or doctor’s appointment. They know that more than anyone else on this earth, that I am their biggest fan and always there. I know them the best.

I am, as I said before, a safe place for my boys. Their home. And I wouldn’t change that for the world.

I am a full-time single mom. Which means, I am ‘ON’ 24/7. I do get a break of sorts every month or two when they spend time with their dad. But I’m the primary parent. It’s really fun and not at all exhausting. Ha!

My kiddos recently spent a week with their Dad while I travelled out of town. Where they are with me full time, a week was a long time to be apart. The evening I got home, my oldest son was cuddling me. He was wrapped around me in a hug in his bed, with his head resting on my lap. He said to me ‘you’re so warm’.  I thought he meant my skin, so I touched my hand. It didn’t feel warm to me.

Then he said words that will forever ring in my ears. “You’re like home to me. My safe place. You’re warm’.

It took everything in me not to cry. I simply said ‘awwwww, thank you, love’. But what I wanted to say was ‘thank you’. Thank you, my child, for giving me, your mother, the most beautiful compliment you could have ever given me.

You see, a few years ago, after separating from his Dad, my young son was a hurt, sad and even a little bit angry. For a couple years, we navigated torrential waters. He’d often hurl negative words at me, and while I would try to let them bounce off me, they cut me deep. My counsellor would say that he said these things for one reason only: because he knew that I was his safe place and no matter what he said, I wasn’t going anywhere. It didn’t make it right, and it didn’t make it hurt any less, but knowing why he was saying them, made me love him harder.

So I listened to him lash out. I watched the tantrums. While I could have handled things much differently, many would have, but instead I chose to hold on tight and love him through it.

It worked.

It took some time, but there are no more negative words being spat out of hurt and anger. In fact, today, if he says anything remotely disrespectful to me, he apologizes and hugs me.

That night, on my bed, he finally vocalized accepting what was always right there in front of him all along. Me.

It’s me.

I’m warm.

I’m safe.