I recently went on a family vacation. My boyfriend and I took the kids to Prince Edward Island. Ultimately, I was travelling from one island in Atlantic Canada to another.  We decided to travel by car, as opposed to plane, which of course involved a ferry ride. Probably not a smart decision for someone (aka me) who gets motion sick. Nonetheless, we set off on our journey.

The long (ferry) ride

Thanks to mother nature, what was supposed to be a 16-hour ferry ride resulted in us being on board the ship for 24 hours. Eleven hours of which we were docked, waiting for the wind to die down enough for us to leave. As you can imagine, it was a long, tiring and boring wait. It was hellish for me and I’m a grown ass adult, so no doubt it was hard for the children on board.

We finally departed overnight and started our voyage toward Nova Scotia (where we would then leave from and drive to PEI). With the help of iPads, a small fortune on food, and anti-nausea meds, we managed to distract ourselves before settling in for sleep.  We started off in the lounge area chairs but ended up on the floor. The germaphobe in me lost this war, as I was too tired to care what was living on the carpet of the ferryboat.

Wake up call

I was woken early in the morning to a young boy yelling. He was accompanied on board by his mother, father and a sister close in age, possibly his twin. His mother was trying to calm him down, reminding him that people were sleeping. As a mother myself, I didn’t think much of this, rolled back over and ignored the disruption. We had a few hours left to dock.

As time passed, the little boy, likely aged 3-4, continued acting up. He was throwing the iPad on the floor, pillows at his mother, whining and not listening well. Trust me, I am only relaying events when I mention this, not passing judgement.  

On board entertainment

At one point, the sister started getting motion sick. The mom tended to her, but also reassured the concerned boy that his sister would be ok. Within a minute, at the sight of the vomit, the little boy himself started getting sick. So here was mom, two kids puking all over the ferry floor. The father ran for paper towel, while Mom stayed and cared for both kids. She never wavered, showing no signs of stress.

After they stopped getting sick, the girl sat silently, likely sleeping. But the little boy had lots of energy left in him. He was a handful.

Once the little girl woke, she decided to join forces with her brother. For about an hour before it was time to get off, the two of them were running around, squealing, hitting, throwing things. Refusing to put on shoes while running down the ship corridor.  All while the other 60 people in the lounge area either watched, tried to ignore, or tried to sleep.

An uninvited audience

From start to finish, this family had eyes on them. Some were annoyed eyes, some were judgy eyes, and some were sympathetic. My eyes were on the mother.  Despite her kid’s behavior and the audience, she was calm, authoritative, said all the right things, even turning tantrums into teaching moments (for example, ‘if you decide to throw your iPad, it won’t work, then you won’t be able to watch it. Do you think throwing it would be a good decision?’).

I was in awe of her! Not only because she kept her cool, but because she didn’t seem fazed by the audience.

We were all tired, dirty and impatiently waiting to get off the damn boat. Moods likely weren’t the best at this time. If I had young kids acting out, my anxiety would have been on bust. I would have been more concerned about shutting my kids up to stop the stares than teaching any lessons. I would have undoubtedly lost my cool, raised my voice, been apologizing to strangers, or moved to a new room. There also would have been tears. The stress would have sent me (and many other mothers) over the edge. But not this mom.

Based on her level of patience and lack of voice raising, I thought to myself that this woman must be a teacher. She had to be professionally trained to handle these situations. Either that, or she was an alien. Or on drugs. Which, I wouldn’t have blamed her for at this point.

Hats off to the cast

Finally, we got the call to head to our cars, as we had docked in Nova Scotia. As I was gathering our things, I kept looking at this mother, going back on forth on whether I should say something to her.  I started walking out of the lounge area and was almost through the door when I stopped and backed up a few steps, directly in line with this super woman wearing no cape. From one mother to another, I knew I needed to say something, or I’d regret it.

“Excuse me“, I said, ” I just wanted to commend you on your parenting. I have two boys, and I have been where you are, and I know how hard it can be.  You handled the situation so very well and I wanted to acknowledge that“.

She laughed and thanked me. She was appreciative of the comment, I could tell. I am sure when I started talking, she thought I was going to complain. She then told me that she is a teacher. I said that I suspected same. She wished me a great day and thanked me for the compliment.

Final thoughts

I thought about those kids and that mother even after we left the ferry. When my own kids, despite being older than hers, acted out or gave attitude I tried to remain calm when I wanted to lose my cool. It wasn’t always easy, especially when we were in public (aka the return ferry ride) and there were watching eyes on me. But I tried.

I am glad I took the time to commend this woman. It may have made her feel good, yes, but it also made me feel good. I would hope someone would have done the same to me. I sure as heck wish, back in the toddler tantrum days when I had to take my kid under my arm and march out the door at Walmart, that someone would have done this for me. No one did. It was all eyes, just watching eyes.

Us Mothers, we must stick together. We are all battling the same fire, and it’s much better to do that together, than alone.

I commend us all.

I have been a single mom for 6 years. My kids were 4.5 and 7 years old when I separated from their father. At that time, I remember thinking “I can’t do this alone”. But here I am.

We all know that it takes a village to raise a family. The reason why a mother is without a village is irrelevant, the fact that she mothers without one makes her a superwoman. She works hard at finding a new village; people to call on for help, because she’ll need it.

Raising kiddos, in general, is universally challenging. Raising kiddos alone is somewhat even more taxing- mentally, emotionally and physically.  There is no sense sugar coating it. It involves stress, pressure and guilt. There’s little time to yourself, making the infamous self-care nearly impossible.

The struggles of single motherhood that I highlight in this blog pertain to single parenting full time, not co-parenting (which I know comes with its challenges, as well). I am just writing from experience as the primary parent, no shared custody.  The 24/7 mama bear.

Oh, the stress! How in the world can I be in two places at once? I can’t, of course, but both my sons play sports so there is often an overlap. While I would hate for one child to miss out on something, sometimes it is unavoidable. The good news is, I have learned to ASK FOR HELP. In my married life, I got used to living hours away (by car or plane) from any type of support system. In doing so, I set an unrealistic expectation of myself to be able to handle everything on my own. It’s not possible. So now, when someone in my village offers to help, I graciously say YES.

I have read about how there is a negative connotation associated with being a single mom. Feelings of being considered underprivileged (compared to married moms), as well as someone struggling to keep it all together appear to be common. Personally, I haven’t experienced any overt judgment (at least to my face), but I can tell you one thing, I am not short on pride when it comes to being a single mom. I play dual roles in my household daily and it is HARD AS HELL. Yet, I show up every single day. The truth is, I have good boys (I don’t mean perfect, I mean good humans) and the BIG part I played in that is not something that can be taken away from me. I own that shit. So yes, judge away.  

This struggle will keep you up at night. It’s the one that truly separates the married moms who often ‘feel like single moms’ to the real single mothers. Life is expensive for everyone, but even with a good income, single mothers often worry and may spend less freely than dual income homes. I would suggest single mama’s start a budget and stick to it, the best they can. Oh, and don’t bother trying to keep up with the Jones’, either.  Instead, worry about teaching your kids the value of money and how they can’t always get something simply because they want it. They’ll be better off for it.

As much as I love my boys’ sweet faces, sometimes I don’t want to see them for a few minutes (or hours) at a time. The truth is, I give myself time outs just for privacy. Thankfully, my kids are of the age now where I can run out for an hour or so and leave them home alone. It feels like FREEDOM, I tell you. I run, not walk, to the car.  Prior to this, I literally couldn’t go to the mailbox without them. I had to ask someone to watch them if I wanted to leave my front door. If I did leave the house without them, I would often have to factor in the cost of a babysitter. Is a $20 drop in Zumba class really worth $40-$50 for 60 minutes. Please circle back to struggle #3.

Mom guilt should be illegal. As if moms don’t have enough to do but feel guilty about everything. When my boys are with their father, I promise myself I will enjoy the break and not feel guilty about it. But it’s easier said than done.  I feel guilty for having fun without them or watching a movie they wanted to see. And then, of course, there are times when I don’t feel guilty (about enjoying my ME time) and then I feel guilty for not feeling guilty? It’s tiring being in our heads.

This sucks, pure and simple. Missing holidays is hard (except for Halloween, Meh). It’s only been the past 3 years where my ex-husband and I started alternating Christmases.  It feels so different to be kid- free during Christmas. There’s no magic, to me anyways. As relaxing and socially freeing as it can feel around the holidays, it hurts my heart. Especially when you see pics of smiling happy kids on social media. You can celebrate on another day of course, but it doesn’t feel the same.

People will tell you you’re ‘lucky’ to get a break from your kids. But not all single mom’s feel lucky when their child is with the other parent. It’s stressful giving up control, and sometimes contact.  You never know a single mom’s situation. While yes, it’s good time to have time to re-charge and to not have to take care of anyone but yourself, but it isn’t without its stress when your children aren’t physically with you.

Being a single mom is a never-ending game of Tag. And you’re always it! I have to keep up on the housework, homework, appointments, sports, work full time, make important decisions, discipline and provide guidance and provide emotional support etc. Oh and try to have a social life (hahaha), incorporate self care and exercise! I also have a boyfriend, so I want to make that relationship a priority as well. Did I mention there is no time to get sick? And when the kids get sick, I have to stay home with them (thank goodness for hybrid work arrangements). It’s a fun game, tag.

Being a single mom can make you feel very isolated and lonely, which takes a toll on your mental well-being. At the end of the day, it’s nice to kick your feet up and talk about how good, or bad, the day was with someone who lived the day along with you. When you don’t have that, it’s tough. Sometimes that connection, as a parent, makes you feel less overwhelmed. However, make your own connections outside of a partner! Reach out to other single mom’s through online single mom groups on Facebook, for example. It’s a place to vent or share exciting news! I promise, you’ll be supported. I personally attended a divorce/separation support group when my separation was fresh. Being around people who can relate to your struggles makes you feel, well, less alone.

Single moms are independent. We have no choice but to be! However, when it comes to some responsibilities, I don’t care to participate (but have no choice). For example, shoveling. I live in Canada, so we get snow pretty much 6 months of the year. Shoveling will be the bane of my existence. When a neighbor comes to help with a snowblower, I cry. Literally. I also buy gift cards as both a thank you and positive reinforcement. The same applies to car maintenance, or toilets. I don’t want anything to do with dealing with this stuff. But I have to be an adult, and I have to pull up my big girl (non-granny) panties and deal with it like the single mama bear that I am. AKA I call my boyfriend, my dad, or my brother (parts of my village). I delegate the tasks like a mother F-ing boss.

Who wants the world to know their personal business? NO ONE (says the blogger who is sharing intimate details of her life with strangers). I had been with my ex-husband for 20 years. More than half my life (at the time of separation). When we separated, and then divorced, removing my wedding ring felt like I was announcing to the world that I was now alone. My marriage had ‘failed’ (more on that thought later). It was a huge adjustment, and I was nervous, maybe even embarrassed. In my mind, it was a ‘single mom’ sign on my back. Then I had to decide if I wanted to keep my married surname or return to my maiden name.

You’ll never know the weight of this decision unless you have to make it. I didn’t want to have a different last name than my kids. I was afraid that they wouldn’t want that either. When entertaining the idea (after my divorce), my youngest son (8 at the time) asked if changing my name would mean I would no longer be his mom. *insert knife directly into my chest*.  Long story short (sort of), I did end up reverting to my maiden name because after all that had happened, that is who I felt I was. I felt it would help me move on, instead of holding on. I still don’t love having a different last name than my kids, but I don’t regret the decision.

For many reasons, I struggle with this movie. Mostly as a divorcee moreso than as a single mom. Watch it, you’ll understand. Bring tissues.

As single mom’s, our love life takes a back seat to our kids. We are also a package deal, so if someone wants to be with me, they must love my children too. But when you feel ready to date, it’s not an easy feat. There are so many implications and so many things to consider. So much so, I will have to write a separate post on it. I have so many dating stories to tell. Stay tuned.

There may be struggles with being a single parent, but there are also rewards. Many of them.  I don’t miss a thing! In fact, I have a front row seat to every moment of my son’s lives. I don’t miss a concert, a ball game, a parent teacher interview, birthday party or doctor’s appointment. They know that more than anyone else on this earth, that I am their biggest fan and always there. I know them the best.

I am, as I said before, a safe place for my boys. Their home. And I wouldn’t change that for the world.