When I was younger, I didn’t know what I wanted to be when I grew up. Career wise, adventure wise, or even family wise, I didn’t have it all mapped out. Now here I am, middle aged (ouch, that stings a little), and I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up.

Twenty-year-old me never would have thought that 42-year-old me would be a divorced, single mother. That, for sure, wasn’t part of the plan. Not on the day I married my high school sweetheart, and not on the days I held my babies in my arms for the first time.

I wasn’t even sure I wanted kids, to be honest. I wasn’t ‘born to be a mom’. Growing up, I didn’t like kids, I hated babysitting, and I most certainly did not want to touch any pregnant bellies to feel any alien baby kicks. Hard pass. Nonetheless, here I am, 3 pregnancies and 2 babies later.  

I never imagined I’d be the ‘1’ in the 1 in 4 women who miscarry statistic.

I most certainly didn’t envision myself suffering from post partem depression. Or be crippled with anxiety, having my own mind turning me into someone I didn’t recognize. How about Premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD) or my most recent diagnosis of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD)? As if my mental health needed more salt.

Before I even hit ‘middle age’, my life was very different than what I would have pictured for myself. I found myself introduced to the world of online dating after a 20-year relationship (more on that later), eventually finding a prince among the frogs. Quite literally, I started my life over from the ground up; leaving a small 2 bedroom basement apartment and buying a house for me and my two young sons. #PROUD. Oh and of course, I purchased my own Costco membership! Nothing makes you feel more like an adult than a Costco membership, not even divorce (ha!).

It would be rude of me to forget the physical changes that have accompanied middle age.  Wrinkles, for example, cellulite, perimenopause symptoms, and the inability to lose 5lbs with ease, like I could so many years ago when I wanted to fit into a dress for Friday night (when I could stay awake past 10pm).

Everything changed as I approached middle age. Life was making plans for me, it seemed, whether I liked it or not. Sometimes, I can’t help but feel like I am just along for the ride.

Join me for the ride as I talk about all the things that brought me to where I am today. And where I am going.

Be sure to buckle up. This is a safe place.