I once read a quote that said, ‘A son is a son ‘til he gets a wife, but a daughter is a daughter all her life’. No disrespect to the author but as a mom of 2 boys, I refuse to believe this.

I remember getting irrationally irritated when I read this quote. Was she telling me that my sons were only temporary and that I’d lose them to their life partners? Or worse yet, if I had a daughter, she’d still need me? Not buying it.  #sorrynotsorry

I am sure there are parents out there who can attest to this quote being true. However, I’d like to believe there are also parents who can disprove it. It’s natural for things to shift once you have a child start a family of their own. I truly believe a lot of factors can determine whether a child would disconnect from their (original) family. For example, personality, level of closeness, privacy, stress and family drama, and the relationship between the child’s partner and his parents/siblings. But this isn’t reserved for just sons.

The idea that my sons wouldn’t need me anymore once they married really bothered me. Perhaps it was just fear getting the best of me. I know this is a long time off, given their ages, but I don’t plan on saying goodbye when each of my sons say, “I do’. So, I will work hard at disproving this quote. I will try to build a foundation that will sustain our relationships for, well, forever.

Here’s how:

• 1. Open communication:  I’ve always followed the rule that states ‘if you don’t listen to the small stuff, they won’t tell you the big stuff’. Why else would I know so much about Pokémon and Fortnite? I created a very open dialogue with my kids at a young age. They know they can tell me anything. We also talk about feelings a lot. Their future partners will either love me or hate me for this.
• 2. Raise Mama’s boys:  While this wasn’t intentional, my boys are Mama’s boys. Not in a creepy way, more in a ‘they love their mom and are very protective of her’ way. How could they not be? I’ve been single parenting them for 6 years. As primary parent, they are with me all the time, learning from me, watching and listening to me. I’m raising these two little men, and they have become so close to me. I truly value my relationship with my boys.
• 3. Talk about the future:  My oldest wants to have a well-paying job, but not work too much that it keeps him from his family. He also wants to drive a fancy car. My youngest wants to be happy with a wife and kids and a comfortable house. Playing in the NHL is also on his goal list. We talk about education, schools, and travelling. But the thing is, they factor me into these plans (of their own accord). In fact, they have my future planned for me.  Each of them wants me to live with them when I am older. Both will have a basement apartment for me, whether (and I quote) “my wife likes it or not”.  I’m rethinking the creepy factor here.  
• 4. Spend time together:  Create traditions, whether it be games night or Taco Tuesday’s. Spend quality time together. I try to invest in my kid’s interests. For example, I hate sports. In fact, I can’t throw or catch a ball to save my life! Yet, you will see me outside playing street hockey with my youngest son. I will shoot hoops because it means I get to spend time with my oldest. Guess what? I will keep doing this until I’m old and grey and my knees or hips give out, whichever comes first.

My 10-year-old promised me, out of nowhere, that he will still want to spend time with me when he’s older. I chose to believe he meant that. I joked and said “of course, why wouldn’t you? I’m super cool “, but inside I was ugly crying. He also said he’d bring me Reese’s peanut butter cups when he visits me. He knows the way to my heart, that one.

Of course, I am not naïve enough to think that things won’t change as they grow up. In years to come, new love will take priority. But that’s okay, because it’s not a competition. Once they are raised, I will take pride in their independence and the men they will have become. It’ll be my turn to take a backseat. But you mark my words, I will still be along for the ride with these men, who will still be my sons.

In the famous words of Robert Munsch, when it comes to my boys, ‘as long as I’m living, my baby you’ll be’.

When I had my first child, I knew right away that I’d want a second. It wasn’t because I loved childbirth so much that I wanted to keep reproducing. I just liked the idea of giving my child a lifelong companion. Having grown up with 3 siblings, it’s all I knew.  

Little did I realize that signing up for Motherhood automatically signs you up for the role of full-time referee. However, if I had wanted that gig, I would have joined a sport. Many years ago, I remember standing between my teenage sisters crying ‘why can’t we all just get along?‘ I hated when they’d fight. Fast forward to now, and I’m a 43-year-old woman standing between two mini-me’s, asking the same question. Forever the peacekeeper, I am.

It’s natural for siblings to fight, I know. However, is it natural for siblings to fight over, well, anything?

Things my kids fight about:

• Farts: I kid you not, they have fought over farts. Who farted, who took too long to admit it and who smells worse. They have proven that whoever smelt it may not have dealt it.

• Who forgot to flush: One child blames the other, yet both deny that they pooped. Well, someone had to because the toilet didn’t shit itself, now did it and it sure as heck wasn’t me.

• The TV remote: They both want it and can never agree on a show. Then, once a show is on, oddly enough someone finds the volume ‘too loud’.

• Sitting in the front seat of the car: My youngest son isn’t even old enough to sit in the front seat, yet they still fight over this. He always calls ‘shotgun’ when walking towards the car, just to piss off his brother. It works, every time.
• Chores: We rotate daily who dries the dishes and who puts them away. It’s always a sweet after dinner treat to hear them argue over whose turn it is to do what.
• The phone charger: One of my kids always needs a charger, and no one can ever find one. Both will claim they didn’t have it last. Oh, and apparently, the kid with the lowest percentage of battery remaining trumps the other. “How much battery do you have? I have 5%“
• Brushing their teeth: Nothing sets the mood for bedtime quite like one kid pushing the other out of the way of the sink. “MOM, I was here first!” one will yell, while the other one stands nearby with a mouthful of toothpaste. Venom in his eyes, and spit in his mouth. Hush little babies don’t say word.
• Who did it (he said/he said): This one has to be the worst. Both have their side of the story, drastically different. Of course, in each story, the sibling is in the wrong. It’s often hard to know who’s telling the truth. Who hit who first, or who said a bad word, or insulted the other?  Often, there are tears and it’s hard to know who did what.  Referee, interrogator, private investigator, and judge. This mama wears many hats.

I can chuckle now as I read these, but the truth is I wish their fighting didn’t faze me. I often wish I were one of those cool as a cucumber mom’s. You know the type. The ones who can just break up the fights with no emotion involved. They simply ignore the commotion and walk away, letting the kids figure it out for themselves through screams or fists. Instead, I get consumed by the fighting. It drains me emotionally, taking a toll on my mental health.

The funny thing is, as often as they fight, they don’t. They go from one extreme to the other in a split second. Often, it’s unexpected and catches me off guard. They could be sitting side by side, not at all bothered by the presence of the other. Then, within 16 seconds, the fact that the other one is breathing threatens a war.

Then, there are the times when I know what’s coming. I try to prevent it before the gloves come off. Usually this starts with them being hyper and laughing, perhaps getting along TOO well. Before you know it, someone is hurt and it’s time to enter the ring.

Despite the frequency and intensity of the fighting, I know my boys don’t hate one another. That’s the silver lining, I guess. Rarely do they hurl such hurtful words (as hate), which I’m thankful for. They are also fiercely protective of one another. They will always say I love you before their heads hit the pillow, no matter what had transpired that day. Once, my oldest son apologized to his brother for being rude to him.  I nearly passed out cold junk in the other room when I heard the exchange. But I’ll take that as a parenting win!

I have a feeling the bickering, arguing, tormenting, and attitude will get worse before it gets better, as they age. Two boys, only 2.5 years apart, what can you expect? However, I will keep reminding (or trying to convince) myself that all this fighting is just temporary. That’s what this ref is holding onto. You can’t win em’ all!

School is out for summer break now, here in Canada.  This means, all school aged kids have 9 weeks of ‘freedom’ from the classroom. I used the term ‘surviving’ in the title because for some, summer feels like something parents need to get through.  

The change in routine alone can be hard for some families. Add to that the extra cost associated with summer break, and it can prove to be a stressful time for some. Or how about the increased sibling fighting? That’s the dream I am currently living. I also hold a full-time job, 5 days per week. Four of these days I work from home, one on site. My kids being out of school means they are also in my working space. They often need reminding that me being home doesn’t always mean I’m available. That in itself is a challenge. They need to be respectful of my workspace, quiet and not fight (loud enough for me to hear). HA! Plus, the summer days may be longer, but with my kid’s bedtimes surpassing my own, this also means my parenting window is longer.

Let’s not forget the never-ending eating over the summer. I am not trying to be negative, as I do love summer, but frankly, summer can be overwhelming.  So, in many ways, parents are in survival mode until September. Not every minute is going to feel sunny and exciting and that’s ok!

Here are some tips on how to survive summer break with (school aged) kids:

Make a schedule

I have OCD and thrive off of routine and structure every day of the year. But, during the summer, it is helpful for everyone to create a schedule. Write down, and even mark off, a daily to do list. This will allow for some control of the day. Some ideas include: Make bed, eat breakfast, get dressed, do chores, screen time, outside, lunch, outside, read/game time, supper, screen time, rest time, bed.  You can figure it out together. Tip: Have the kids weigh in on the schedule as this gives them a sense of control over the situation. As a result,, they may be less resistant to it.  Also, you don’t have to stick to it every single day; it will vary. But also remember that your day may not look like Sally down the street’s schedule. Don’t worry about that. Do what works for you and your family.

Summer camp

Explore opportunities for summer camps in your community. Only send your child for however many days/weeks works for your family, financially or otherwise.  This allows the child to socialize with kids their age, burn energy and get out of the house. I appreciate that it can be costly and isn’t always an option. It can also cause issues for working parents as drop off and pick up times don’t always coincide with the regular 9-5 work day. It’s not without its stressors, but if at all possible, sign those kids up for camp.

Physical activities

Summer is a great time to participate in team sports. Again, this can be costly so is not an option for everyone. If not, encourage your child to play sports with friends! Or go outside with them yourself and throw the ball, play basketball or even go swimming. They may not have a gym class over the summer, but they need to stay active.

Reach out to family/friends

If you have a reliable friend or relative willing to spend time with your child this summer, let them! It’s good for the child and the parent alike. Don’t be afraid to ask for help.

Playdate swaps

Make plans for playdates with your child’s friends. Arrange it so that one day is at your house, and the other could be at theirs. The kids benefit, but it also helps both parents out as well. Call Sally!

Boredom jar

I had my kids write down a few activity suggestions for rainy days and put them in a jar. Then, when needed, we will pick one from that jar and do that activity.  More than likely, they will fight over who gets to pick from the jar. I will then let each child pick one activity from the jar, which keeps them busy longer.

Force them outside

If the sun is out, send the kids outside. Don’t buy into the ‘there is nothing to do’! I remind my kids that they have bikes, scooters, soccer balls, chaulk, and a basketball net to play with. Or how about grass to mow, a car to wash, or a dog to walk? All possibilities to beat boredom. They can be creative; they just need to be creative outside.

Limit screen time

In September, when your child’s teacher asks what the highlight of their summer was, you don’t want your child to say ‘I beat the hardest level in Fortnite’. Not to undermine an accomplishment, but you don’t want screen time to be the highlight of their summer. You want screen time to be limited, which looks different for every family. And while this is a constant struggle in my house, like many others, some days are better than others. Set up a schedule, make rules, set ‘times up’ alarms on their screens. Whatever it takes to prevent your kids from spending all day and night on a screen. As much as mine would love to, I try my hardest to limit screen time.

Day trips

There are many summers where we don’t take a vacation. Instead, we do day trips around our city, or province. Drive 2 hours to a new beach! Go for ice cream and a walk in a different community. Take a hike then have a barbecue, or better yet go for a picnic on the hiking trail. It doesn’t have to be extravagant to be fun. Just spend time together and create core memories. It’ll be worth it.

Happy Summer!

I have been a single mom for 6 years. My kids were 4.5 and 7 years old when I separated from their father. At that time, I remember thinking “I can’t do this alone”. But here I am.

We all know that it takes a village to raise a family. The reason why a mother is without a village is irrelevant, the fact that she mothers without one makes her a superwoman. She works hard at finding a new village; people to call on for help, because she’ll need it.

Raising kiddos, in general, is universally challenging. Raising kiddos alone is somewhat even more taxing- mentally, emotionally and physically.  There is no sense sugar coating it. It involves stress, pressure and guilt. There’s little time to yourself, making the infamous self-care nearly impossible.

The struggles of single motherhood that I highlight in this blog pertain to single parenting full time, not co-parenting (which I know comes with its challenges, as well). I am just writing from experience as the primary parent, no shared custody.  The 24/7 mama bear.

Oh, the stress! How in the world can I be in two places at once? I can’t, of course, but both my sons play sports so there is often an overlap. While I would hate for one child to miss out on something, sometimes it is unavoidable. The good news is, I have learned to ASK FOR HELP. In my married life, I got used to living hours away (by car or plane) from any type of support system. In doing so, I set an unrealistic expectation of myself to be able to handle everything on my own. It’s not possible. So now, when someone in my village offers to help, I graciously say YES.

I have read about how there is a negative connotation associated with being a single mom. Feelings of being considered underprivileged (compared to married moms), as well as someone struggling to keep it all together appear to be common. Personally, I haven’t experienced any overt judgment (at least to my face), but I can tell you one thing, I am not short on pride when it comes to being a single mom. I play dual roles in my household daily and it is HARD AS HELL. Yet, I show up every single day. The truth is, I have good boys (I don’t mean perfect, I mean good humans) and the BIG part I played in that is not something that can be taken away from me. I own that shit. So yes, judge away.  

This struggle will keep you up at night. It’s the one that truly separates the married moms who often ‘feel like single moms’ to the real single mothers. Life is expensive for everyone, but even with a good income, single mothers often worry and may spend less freely than dual income homes. I would suggest single mama’s start a budget and stick to it, the best they can. Oh, and don’t bother trying to keep up with the Jones’, either.  Instead, worry about teaching your kids the value of money and how they can’t always get something simply because they want it. They’ll be better off for it.

As much as I love my boys’ sweet faces, sometimes I don’t want to see them for a few minutes (or hours) at a time. The truth is, I give myself time outs just for privacy. Thankfully, my kids are of the age now where I can run out for an hour or so and leave them home alone. It feels like FREEDOM, I tell you. I run, not walk, to the car.  Prior to this, I literally couldn’t go to the mailbox without them. I had to ask someone to watch them if I wanted to leave my front door. If I did leave the house without them, I would often have to factor in the cost of a babysitter. Is a $20 drop in Zumba class really worth $40-$50 for 60 minutes. Please circle back to struggle #3.

Mom guilt should be illegal. As if moms don’t have enough to do but feel guilty about everything. When my boys are with their father, I promise myself I will enjoy the break and not feel guilty about it. But it’s easier said than done.  I feel guilty for having fun without them or watching a movie they wanted to see. And then, of course, there are times when I don’t feel guilty (about enjoying my ME time) and then I feel guilty for not feeling guilty? It’s tiring being in our heads.

This sucks, pure and simple. Missing holidays is hard (except for Halloween, Meh). It’s only been the past 3 years where my ex-husband and I started alternating Christmases.  It feels so different to be kid- free during Christmas. There’s no magic, to me anyways. As relaxing and socially freeing as it can feel around the holidays, it hurts my heart. Especially when you see pics of smiling happy kids on social media. You can celebrate on another day of course, but it doesn’t feel the same.

People will tell you you’re ‘lucky’ to get a break from your kids. But not all single mom’s feel lucky when their child is with the other parent. It’s stressful giving up control, and sometimes contact.  You never know a single mom’s situation. While yes, it’s good time to have time to re-charge and to not have to take care of anyone but yourself, but it isn’t without its stress when your children aren’t physically with you.

Being a single mom is a never-ending game of Tag. And you’re always it! I have to keep up on the housework, homework, appointments, sports, work full time, make important decisions, discipline and provide guidance and provide emotional support etc. Oh and try to have a social life (hahaha), incorporate self care and exercise! I also have a boyfriend, so I want to make that relationship a priority as well. Did I mention there is no time to get sick? And when the kids get sick, I have to stay home with them (thank goodness for hybrid work arrangements). It’s a fun game, tag.

Being a single mom can make you feel very isolated and lonely, which takes a toll on your mental well-being. At the end of the day, it’s nice to kick your feet up and talk about how good, or bad, the day was with someone who lived the day along with you. When you don’t have that, it’s tough. Sometimes that connection, as a parent, makes you feel less overwhelmed. However, make your own connections outside of a partner! Reach out to other single mom’s through online single mom groups on Facebook, for example. It’s a place to vent or share exciting news! I promise, you’ll be supported. I personally attended a divorce/separation support group when my separation was fresh. Being around people who can relate to your struggles makes you feel, well, less alone.

Single moms are independent. We have no choice but to be! However, when it comes to some responsibilities, I don’t care to participate (but have no choice). For example, shoveling. I live in Canada, so we get snow pretty much 6 months of the year. Shoveling will be the bane of my existence. When a neighbor comes to help with a snowblower, I cry. Literally. I also buy gift cards as both a thank you and positive reinforcement. The same applies to car maintenance, or toilets. I don’t want anything to do with dealing with this stuff. But I have to be an adult, and I have to pull up my big girl (non-granny) panties and deal with it like the single mama bear that I am. AKA I call my boyfriend, my dad, or my brother (parts of my village). I delegate the tasks like a mother F-ing boss.

Who wants the world to know their personal business? NO ONE (says the blogger who is sharing intimate details of her life with strangers). I had been with my ex-husband for 20 years. More than half my life (at the time of separation). When we separated, and then divorced, removing my wedding ring felt like I was announcing to the world that I was now alone. My marriage had ‘failed’ (more on that thought later). It was a huge adjustment, and I was nervous, maybe even embarrassed. In my mind, it was a ‘single mom’ sign on my back. Then I had to decide if I wanted to keep my married surname or return to my maiden name.

You’ll never know the weight of this decision unless you have to make it. I didn’t want to have a different last name than my kids. I was afraid that they wouldn’t want that either. When entertaining the idea (after my divorce), my youngest son (8 at the time) asked if changing my name would mean I would no longer be his mom. *insert knife directly into my chest*.  Long story short (sort of), I did end up reverting to my maiden name because after all that had happened, that is who I felt I was. I felt it would help me move on, instead of holding on. I still don’t love having a different last name than my kids, but I don’t regret the decision.

For many reasons, I struggle with this movie. Mostly as a divorcee moreso than as a single mom. Watch it, you’ll understand. Bring tissues.

As single mom’s, our love life takes a back seat to our kids. We are also a package deal, so if someone wants to be with me, they must love my children too. But when you feel ready to date, it’s not an easy feat. There are so many implications and so many things to consider. So much so, I will have to write a separate post on it. I have so many dating stories to tell. Stay tuned.

There may be struggles with being a single parent, but there are also rewards. Many of them.  I don’t miss a thing! In fact, I have a front row seat to every moment of my son’s lives. I don’t miss a concert, a ball game, a parent teacher interview, birthday party or doctor’s appointment. They know that more than anyone else on this earth, that I am their biggest fan and always there. I know them the best.

I am, as I said before, a safe place for my boys. Their home. And I wouldn’t change that for the world.

Christmas 2022, I gave my counsellor a pencil for Christmas. While it accompanied a journal, the main part of the gift was a pencil. I know to you it may sound silly, but it was not. In fact, for a short period of time, while adjusting to life after divorce, I walked around with a pencil in my purse. I had no intentions of using it. It was symbolic, as my counsellor had explained. And I needed a constant reminder of that, so I carried it with me.

I remember, a couple of years prior, sitting on her couch, crying. The stereotypical therapy session, right? I owe this woman 20 boxes of tissues, I am sure of it. This session wasn’t long after I separated from my spouse, after 8 years of marriage and 20 years together. I remember saying “this wasn’t my plan for life”. She took out a pencil and said, “Do you know why pencils have erasers?”  I said, “to erase mistakes”. She simply said “No, but plans change” and went on to explain that plans are fluent. We often get a chance for a do over. This was one of those chances.

It made complete sense, and I cried harder. Maybe because at the time I didn’t want things to change because I was so lonely and scared to death. I was coming to terms with my divorce, trying to keep myself together, while caring for my kids, who also felt like they were falling apart.

I’ve always been resistant to change. I never handled it well. While I know that good things can come from change, I’m very much a creature of habit so anything new, anything that disrupts the equilibrium of life, is terrifying in my mind.

Yet there I was, a 37 year old woman who had been with her spouse for literally more than half of her life, in unchartered territory. Alone. Two kids in tow. One income. No house. Broken.

While I don’t like referring to myself as ‘broken’ back then, but when I was unable to get off the bathroom floor from crying, there is no other way to describe how I felt other than broken.  My life, my heart, my family, my emotions, all shattered in pieces on the bathroom floor. No amount of glue could put them back together, I thought. I felt.

Something my counsellor said during that session resonated with me. Broken implies damaged beyond repair. I changed my thinking and saw myself as shattered, but someday my pieces would go back together, just in a different way. I would be slightly different than I was before, but no less beautiful. She said I’d be stronger. I liked that idea.

It’s been 6 years since that session. While I feel there are still pieces that need tighter glue to stay in place, I am back together. Not without scars, flaws or carrying around pieces of myself that still carry the weight of the past so heavily. But I’m in one piece. My counsellor was right……. I am different. I am most definitely stronger. Bathroom floors are strictly for cleaning these days.

I recently discovered a song by Kelly Clarkson called ‘Broken and beautiful’. When I play it, I sing it loud and proud, especially when she says “I know I’m superwoman. I know I’m strong. I know I’ve got this cause I’ve had it all along.  I’m phenomenal. I’m enough. I don’t need you to tell me who to be”.

Kelly sings “I’m broken and it’s beautiful”. However, when I sing it, I say “I’m reconstructed and it’s beautiful’. For some reason, it doesn’t have the same effect. Perhaps that’s why she’s the professional sing/songwriter. I’ll just stick to my blog.

When I was younger, I didn’t know what I wanted to be when I grew up. Career wise, adventure wise, or even family wise, I didn’t have it all mapped out. Now here I am, middle aged (ouch, that stings a little), and I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up.

Twenty-year-old me never would have thought that 42-year-old me would be a divorced, single mother. That, for sure, wasn’t part of the plan. Not on the day I married my high school sweetheart, and not on the days I held my babies in my arms for the first time.

I wasn’t even sure I wanted kids, to be honest. I wasn’t ‘born to be a mom’. Growing up, I didn’t like kids, I hated babysitting, and I most certainly did not want to touch any pregnant bellies to feel any alien baby kicks. Hard pass. Nonetheless, here I am, 3 pregnancies and 2 babies later.  

I never imagined I’d be the ‘1’ in the 1 in 4 women who miscarry statistic.

I most certainly didn’t envision myself suffering from post partem depression. Or be crippled with anxiety, having my own mind turning me into someone I didn’t recognize. How about Premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD) or my most recent diagnosis of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD)? As if my mental health needed more salt.

Before I even hit ‘middle age’, my life was very different than what I would have pictured for myself. I found myself introduced to the world of online dating after a 20-year relationship (more on that later), eventually finding a prince among the frogs. Quite literally, I started my life over from the ground up; leaving a small 2 bedroom basement apartment and buying a house for me and my two young sons. #PROUD. Oh and of course, I purchased my own Costco membership! Nothing makes you feel more like an adult than a Costco membership, not even divorce (ha!).

It would be rude of me to forget the physical changes that have accompanied middle age.  Wrinkles, for example, cellulite, perimenopause symptoms, and the inability to lose 5lbs with ease, like I could so many years ago when I wanted to fit into a dress for Friday night (when I could stay awake past 10pm).

Everything changed as I approached middle age. Life was making plans for me, it seemed, whether I liked it or not. Sometimes, I can’t help but feel like I am just along for the ride.

Join me for the ride as I talk about all the things that brought me to where I am today. And where I am going.

Be sure to buckle up. This is a safe place.