I once read a quote that said, ‘A son is a son ‘til he gets a wife, but a daughter is a daughter all her life’. No disrespect to the author but as a mom of 2 boys, I refuse to believe this.

I remember getting irrationally irritated when I read this quote. Was she telling me that my sons were only temporary and that I’d lose them to their life partners? Or worse yet, if I had a daughter, she’d still need me? Not buying it.  #sorrynotsorry

I am sure there are parents out there who can attest to this quote being true. However, I’d like to believe there are also parents who can disprove it. It’s natural for things to shift once you have a child start a family of their own. I truly believe a lot of factors can determine whether a child would disconnect from their (original) family. For example, personality, level of closeness, privacy, stress and family drama, and the relationship between the child’s partner and his parents/siblings. But this isn’t reserved for just sons.

The idea that my sons wouldn’t need me anymore once they married really bothered me. Perhaps it was just fear getting the best of me. I know this is a long time off, given their ages, but I don’t plan on saying goodbye when each of my sons say, “I do’. So, I will work hard at disproving this quote. I will try to build a foundation that will sustain our relationships for, well, forever.

Here’s how:

• 1. Open communication:  I’ve always followed the rule that states ‘if you don’t listen to the small stuff, they won’t tell you the big stuff’. Why else would I know so much about Pokémon and Fortnite? I created a very open dialogue with my kids at a young age. They know they can tell me anything. We also talk about feelings a lot. Their future partners will either love me or hate me for this.
• 2. Raise Mama’s boys:  While this wasn’t intentional, my boys are Mama’s boys. Not in a creepy way, more in a ‘they love their mom and are very protective of her’ way. How could they not be? I’ve been single parenting them for 6 years. As primary parent, they are with me all the time, learning from me, watching and listening to me. I’m raising these two little men, and they have become so close to me. I truly value my relationship with my boys.
• 3. Talk about the future:  My oldest wants to have a well-paying job, but not work too much that it keeps him from his family. He also wants to drive a fancy car. My youngest wants to be happy with a wife and kids and a comfortable house. Playing in the NHL is also on his goal list. We talk about education, schools, and travelling. But the thing is, they factor me into these plans (of their own accord). In fact, they have my future planned for me.  Each of them wants me to live with them when I am older. Both will have a basement apartment for me, whether (and I quote) “my wife likes it or not”.  I’m rethinking the creepy factor here.  
• 4. Spend time together:  Create traditions, whether it be games night or Taco Tuesday’s. Spend quality time together. I try to invest in my kid’s interests. For example, I hate sports. In fact, I can’t throw or catch a ball to save my life! Yet, you will see me outside playing street hockey with my youngest son. I will shoot hoops because it means I get to spend time with my oldest. Guess what? I will keep doing this until I’m old and grey and my knees or hips give out, whichever comes first.

My 10-year-old promised me, out of nowhere, that he will still want to spend time with me when he’s older. I chose to believe he meant that. I joked and said “of course, why wouldn’t you? I’m super cool “, but inside I was ugly crying. He also said he’d bring me Reese’s peanut butter cups when he visits me. He knows the way to my heart, that one.

Of course, I am not naïve enough to think that things won’t change as they grow up. In years to come, new love will take priority. But that’s okay, because it’s not a competition. Once they are raised, I will take pride in their independence and the men they will have become. It’ll be my turn to take a backseat. But you mark my words, I will still be along for the ride with these men, who will still be my sons.

In the famous words of Robert Munsch, when it comes to my boys, ‘as long as I’m living, my baby you’ll be’.

School is out for summer break now, here in Canada.  This means, all school aged kids have 9 weeks of ‘freedom’ from the classroom. I used the term ‘surviving’ in the title because for some, summer feels like something parents need to get through.  

The change in routine alone can be hard for some families. Add to that the extra cost associated with summer break, and it can prove to be a stressful time for some. Or how about the increased sibling fighting? That’s the dream I am currently living. I also hold a full-time job, 5 days per week. Four of these days I work from home, one on site. My kids being out of school means they are also in my working space. They often need reminding that me being home doesn’t always mean I’m available. That in itself is a challenge. They need to be respectful of my workspace, quiet and not fight (loud enough for me to hear). HA! Plus, the summer days may be longer, but with my kid’s bedtimes surpassing my own, this also means my parenting window is longer.

Let’s not forget the never-ending eating over the summer. I am not trying to be negative, as I do love summer, but frankly, summer can be overwhelming.  So, in many ways, parents are in survival mode until September. Not every minute is going to feel sunny and exciting and that’s ok!

Here are some tips on how to survive summer break with (school aged) kids:

Make a schedule

I have OCD and thrive off of routine and structure every day of the year. But, during the summer, it is helpful for everyone to create a schedule. Write down, and even mark off, a daily to do list. This will allow for some control of the day. Some ideas include: Make bed, eat breakfast, get dressed, do chores, screen time, outside, lunch, outside, read/game time, supper, screen time, rest time, bed.  You can figure it out together. Tip: Have the kids weigh in on the schedule as this gives them a sense of control over the situation. As a result,, they may be less resistant to it.  Also, you don’t have to stick to it every single day; it will vary. But also remember that your day may not look like Sally down the street’s schedule. Don’t worry about that. Do what works for you and your family.

Summer camp

Explore opportunities for summer camps in your community. Only send your child for however many days/weeks works for your family, financially or otherwise.  This allows the child to socialize with kids their age, burn energy and get out of the house. I appreciate that it can be costly and isn’t always an option. It can also cause issues for working parents as drop off and pick up times don’t always coincide with the regular 9-5 work day. It’s not without its stressors, but if at all possible, sign those kids up for camp.

Physical activities

Summer is a great time to participate in team sports. Again, this can be costly so is not an option for everyone. If not, encourage your child to play sports with friends! Or go outside with them yourself and throw the ball, play basketball or even go swimming. They may not have a gym class over the summer, but they need to stay active.

Reach out to family/friends

If you have a reliable friend or relative willing to spend time with your child this summer, let them! It’s good for the child and the parent alike. Don’t be afraid to ask for help.

Playdate swaps

Make plans for playdates with your child’s friends. Arrange it so that one day is at your house, and the other could be at theirs. The kids benefit, but it also helps both parents out as well. Call Sally!

Boredom jar

I had my kids write down a few activity suggestions for rainy days and put them in a jar. Then, when needed, we will pick one from that jar and do that activity.  More than likely, they will fight over who gets to pick from the jar. I will then let each child pick one activity from the jar, which keeps them busy longer.

Force them outside

If the sun is out, send the kids outside. Don’t buy into the ‘there is nothing to do’! I remind my kids that they have bikes, scooters, soccer balls, chaulk, and a basketball net to play with. Or how about grass to mow, a car to wash, or a dog to walk? All possibilities to beat boredom. They can be creative; they just need to be creative outside.

Limit screen time

In September, when your child’s teacher asks what the highlight of their summer was, you don’t want your child to say ‘I beat the hardest level in Fortnite’. Not to undermine an accomplishment, but you don’t want screen time to be the highlight of their summer. You want screen time to be limited, which looks different for every family. And while this is a constant struggle in my house, like many others, some days are better than others. Set up a schedule, make rules, set ‘times up’ alarms on their screens. Whatever it takes to prevent your kids from spending all day and night on a screen. As much as mine would love to, I try my hardest to limit screen time.

Day trips

There are many summers where we don’t take a vacation. Instead, we do day trips around our city, or province. Drive 2 hours to a new beach! Go for ice cream and a walk in a different community. Take a hike then have a barbecue, or better yet go for a picnic on the hiking trail. It doesn’t have to be extravagant to be fun. Just spend time together and create core memories. It’ll be worth it.

Happy Summer!

I hate this question.

Honestly, I don’t know the answer. I tend to not make long term plans as I’ve learned that there are too many moving variables. Life can change in an instant so why focus on 5 years down the road when you can plan for today. Live for today.

This one is easy.

This year is going to be hellish. I’m not comfortable with change and it’s only been a year since the biggest change of my life, but I would tell myself to buckle up as there are more changes coming. These changes are not just for me and the kids, either, but for everyone. Globally.

No one could have predicted a Global Pandemic; you know the type of shit you see in the movies except without Matt Damon or Will Smith coming to the rescue. We will all have to wear masks in public. Playgrounds and schools will be closed. Streets will be empty, and I won’t see family or friends often. We will all live in bubbles. Literally. The government will dictate who we can and cannot see. I will tell myself that I will eat, sleep, live, work and play at home. Every day, I will be glued to the TV, waiting to hear the daily number of confirmed COVID 19 cases in the city, country and around the world. I will worry with every sniffle, cough and fart. I will wonder what is happening and more importantly, I’ll worry constantly whether we will all be ok.

I would tell my 2019 self that yes, we will all be ok. I would recommend more sleep and less overthinking. Take it a day at a time and don’t live in fear. There’s no need to wipe down groceries after I bring them home. I will not run out of toilet paper. Oh, and take advantage of curbside pickup, it’s super convenient (even in 2024)! I’d tell myself to smile at strangers. It’s a kind way to remind people that we are all in this together, despite how alone and scared we feel. There is something powerful in hearing a stranger tell you to ‘stay safe’. Pay it forward.

Slowly, as the year goes by, things will improve. l would tell myself that we move out of the basement apartment that suffocated me and my children and into a house we will call home, with a backyard and nice neighbors. This will help my children settle tremendously. I’d be excited to share the news that l meet a new man, and he will help me heal and restore my faith in many things, including love.

Oh, and I’d tell myself that the new size 4 figure that I have come to love won’t be sticking around. It turns out the 25 pounds lost from stress and tears will reappear this year into next. Others like to call it the Covid- 20, I called it regaining my appetite. Long story short, go shopping.

The words Covid-19 become somewhat less scary as time passes. You adjust to the new norm. Life carries on.

Girllllllllllll, get help!! (Ouch!) While I am busy in 2014 trying to convince myself that crying in the dark bathroom every morning is normal, it’s not. I have a 3-year-old and a 6-month-old, and am living in a fog, sleep deprived and irritable. And I’m not a single parent (yet) so I shouldn’t be doing this all on my own. It’s not all on you, Sonya. Why are you allowing it? You’re getting burnt out.

I would tell myself that I have Post-Partem depression and anxiety. It took a year for me to realize this. Sadly, it takes a few more years before I find the courage to ask for help. It’s presenting itself as a mood disorder, as well. It does that, the sneaky bastard. One day, I’ll cry over spilled milk, the next I’ll sing about it and clean it up without flinching. The kids don’t know what to think, or what Mom they’ll get on any given day. I would spell it out for myself, something is wrong. Please, get help today! Stop holding out hope that things will get better on their own. They won’t. As they say, nothing changes if nothing changes. And nothing was changing.

As a result of the post-partem fog I was living in for most of 2014, I have no idea how old my youngest son was when he first crawled, walked or said his first word. I would tell myself to let it go, it doesn’t matter! Who gives a shit! All that matters is he hit, hell he surpassed, all milestones. He’s smart, funny, fast and amazing.

I would advise myself that like my figure, the sleep deprivation goes away. However, that doesn’t happen until the next year. I’d tell myself that 2015 has a few perks, including me starting a job (outside the home). It was clear to see that being a stay-at-home mom was not for me. In some ways, this new job would save my life. I would tell myself about a new co-worker who becomes a close friend and lifeline through the divorce (oh, 4 year spoiler! We get divorced!). The office becomes a place to laugh, make connections and meet new people. I would tell myself that it feels good to serve a purpose in an environment where I feel like me again. Sonya, not Mommy.

I’d love to know what the 5 years in the future Sonya would say to me right now. Perhaps she would tell me that I’m still too hard on myself. Or that I need to think less, relax more and be proud of the woman I have become and the boys I have raised. I guess I’ll have to just keep taking things as they come, day by day, moment to moment if needed, and figure the next 5 years out for myself.

My son recently asked me if he can read my blog. I stopped in my tracks, my brain bouncing explanations back and forth as to why he shouldn’t. If I let him, I’d be afraid that he’d think that I don’t love being his mom. Why else would I have to vent to the world that mothering is so hard? Despite being 13, I feel he is too young to read it and not feel offended. Someday, he’ll read it and we will chat and laugh and he’ll see that I wrote this because I love him and his brother enough to share it with the world.

I do want him and his brother to know that this motherhood road has been rockier than I imagined it would be. When my oldest was born, I was living away from home and that in itself caused so many challenges as I had no friends, no family, no support system. When he was 2, we moved ‘home’. Well, closer to home. A few months later, his brother came along, and I was smacked in the face with post partem depression and anxiety. Fast forward 4 years and we packed up our car and moved again, this time leaving Daddy behind.

When I entertained the idea of becoming a mother, none of this came into consideration. Divorce and mental health issues wouldn’t happen to me!! This wouldn’t be my life. A single mother? It was outside the realm of possibility, when maybe it shouldn’t have been, but it was. And now here I am. While this wasn’t the plan, you play the hand you’re dealt.

I never thought I’d be a divorcee. But as broken as I felt, I never felt my kids came from a ‘broken’ home. In fact, I hate that term. I would be lying if, in those early days, I didn’t feel like I broke our family the day we left. And I felt so much guilt for that. But I’ve come to realize that that was not the case. We are not broken, we are just different than before.

Recently, we were swimming. I joined the kids in the pool and after a few jumps off the diving board, my eye makeup was halfway down my cheeks. A very attractive look, I might add. My oldest son said ‘Mom, you ruined your makeup. You look like you divorced’.

It took me a second to understand, but he meant it looked like I had been crying. And I guess he knows divorce is one thing that brings tears.

Our counsellor told me that next to death, divorce is the hardest thing for a child to go through. I believe it. Especially when the children don’t get to see their father regularly, like mine. Despite having accepted their parents’ divorce, I still see my children struggle sometimes. I see them eyeing father’s picking their classmates up from school. As a woman, I am also aware how outnumbered I am in the hockey rink dressing room trying my best to tie up hockey skates as tight as I can. I see this. I feel this. They do too.

When we first moved to town, we settled and worked on creating a new normal. It was embarrassing how often my kids saw me cry. I tried to hide it. I did. But there are only so many times you can run to the bathroom in one day and pretend you have to poop. They caught on to me. It hurt their heart, they told me, to see me cry. I felt horrible as I am the one to wipe their tears, as the parent, not the other way around.

I realize now that in those moments, my boys learned so much about empathy. Our world had been falling apart around us and I was the foundation, trying to keep us all together. I may have had a few cracks, but damn it, we are still standing. Maybe stronger than ever.  

They may have grown up a little bit too fast as a result of the changes they’ve had to endure in their short lives, but they played their cards with such resiliency. I am so proud to be their mother.

I may be the one raising them, but no doubt they are the ones that have helped me grow.

When I was younger, I didn’t know what I wanted to be when I grew up. Career wise, adventure wise, or even family wise, I didn’t have it all mapped out. Now here I am, middle aged (ouch, that stings a little), and I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up.

Twenty-year-old me never would have thought that 42-year-old me would be a divorced, single mother. That, for sure, wasn’t part of the plan. Not on the day I married my high school sweetheart, and not on the days I held my babies in my arms for the first time.

I wasn’t even sure I wanted kids, to be honest. I wasn’t ‘born to be a mom’. Growing up, I didn’t like kids, I hated babysitting, and I most certainly did not want to touch any pregnant bellies to feel any alien baby kicks. Hard pass. Nonetheless, here I am, 3 pregnancies and 2 babies later.  

I never imagined I’d be the ‘1’ in the 1 in 4 women who miscarry statistic.

I most certainly didn’t envision myself suffering from post partem depression. Or be crippled with anxiety, having my own mind turning me into someone I didn’t recognize. How about Premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD) or my most recent diagnosis of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD)? As if my mental health needed more salt.

Before I even hit ‘middle age’, my life was very different than what I would have pictured for myself. I found myself introduced to the world of online dating after a 20-year relationship (more on that later), eventually finding a prince among the frogs. Quite literally, I started my life over from the ground up; leaving a small 2 bedroom basement apartment and buying a house for me and my two young sons. #PROUD. Oh and of course, I purchased my own Costco membership! Nothing makes you feel more like an adult than a Costco membership, not even divorce (ha!).

It would be rude of me to forget the physical changes that have accompanied middle age.  Wrinkles, for example, cellulite, perimenopause symptoms, and the inability to lose 5lbs with ease, like I could so many years ago when I wanted to fit into a dress for Friday night (when I could stay awake past 10pm).

Everything changed as I approached middle age. Life was making plans for me, it seemed, whether I liked it or not. Sometimes, I can’t help but feel like I am just along for the ride.

Join me for the ride as I talk about all the things that brought me to where I am today. And where I am going.

Be sure to buckle up. This is a safe place.